As parents we like to think that our child's siblings are bettered by the fact that they have a brother or sister with special needs.

They are more sensitive to people with differences, more accepting, more patient. We hope that they will grow into people who will vote for and support the rights of people with disabilities.

Sometimes we hope that they will care for our child with disabilities long after we are gone. Sometimes we hope that they will get out and never look back. And sometimes we neglect to see the impact that having a sibling with a disability can have.

Looking back on my now adult children's lives with thier sibling Audra, I am faced with the truth that her disability did affect them in ways that I didn't see.

Yes, they are kinder, gentler, more compassionate people. But they are also wounded. Her brother still shoulders the burden of being Audra's brother. Who at the age of 4 was having to fend off groups of children who would surround his sister and stare and point.

He, her hero would come to her rescue and yell at the kids, "It's not polite to stare" It was he who thought he shared every ailment that she did, he who thought her death was his fault and he who has suffered the most, or so I thought.

Without going into detail of his personal and grown-up life, I still see him strugle with the scars. He hides them well and is sucessful in his choosen field and independent of us, his parents.

My youngest child, was the one I thought was least affected by the impact of her sister's disability and ultimate demise. She had only been one year old when Audra died.

She had never really known her, a loss I now see as something she will carry with her the rest of her life. "I had a sister once" she will always say. The only memories she has of the time they shared are my own.

Her lifetime has been overshadowed by her mother's profound sadness and yearning for her lost sister. As she strives to make me proud of her, to be perfect, to be everything, and still she could not fix me.

And I did not see how hard it was for her to compete with a memory...

To acknowledge her grief was hopefully a healing in some way of the pain I have caused.

I work hard now to not make everything about her sister, "Audra would have loved this" I would say without even thinking how I was turning Jesse's moment into mine and my own loss.

I have learned to value each of my children and to let them each shine without the shadow of their sister.

Sometimes it is hard for me, but they each deserve the admiration of thier mother, they are each as important to me as thier sister was. I love them and I owe them that.

This was difficult to put down in words, to realize the impact I have had on my children. The impact that having a sibling with a disability and the death of that sibling has had on them.

Perhaps it is worth it, to see that they are great young adults, happy and sucessful and we have all worked hard to get there.

Perhaps it is worth it, if it makes one parent stop and think and do everything they can to help the "other" one feel good about themselves and find thier own way separate from thier sibling with special needs.

To be free......