When Audra was diagnosed as having cerebral palsy, it was both a devastating blow and a welcome explanation.

You see, I had spent many sleepless nights the last 9 months with a baby who sceamed non-stop. Despite my best efforts to let her "cry" it out (which didn't work) I found that there was no way to soothe this irritable infant. I felt like a failure as a mother, especially because this was my first shot at mother-hood. Knowing now what was "wrong" somehow relieved me of some of the guilt I felt (of course that was replaced by new guilt, that somehow it was all my fault that she had cp to begin with)

One of the most difficult things for me was to let go of the dreams that I had held for her all throughout my pregnancy. This child would be everything I never was, a cheerleader, a beauty pagent queen, a lovely and poplular girl. Now all those dreams were gone (or so I thought) and while I grieved for the loss of what I thought would have been I was faced with the reality of what was.